(Note: See the “Blog Disclaimer” at the main blog page before reading this article.)

We’ve all seen them—the desperate, exhausted, possibly angry parents in the checkout line with a bleating child in tow. Not only have we noticed them but also, if we’re honest, many of us have cast a critical and assuming glance in their direction, perhaps saying to ourselves, “If I were them I would never let that go on. They need to get that kid under control.”

But what if you are that mother or father who must endure the embarrassment and frustration of such an interaction? Does this mean you’re a terrible parent? What should Christian parents think when their child’s actions seem to be routinely characterized by rebellion, aggression, manipulation, contention, disrespect, or all the above? There’s an abundance of material out there about methods of Christian parenting, but much less written to encourage struggling parents. I pray the following will achieve the latter.

The Gospel Is For Parents Like You

Good parenting is as simple as always being loving, consistent, and wise [1]. The problem, of course, is that’s impossible! Sometimes we believe the lie that other parents really are perfect. It may appear so on social media, but God and those families know better.

We need the righteous life, atoning death, and victorious resurrection of Christ in every parenting decision and motivation. It’s easy to believe that God has abandoned us when our kids behave poorly. But the truth is that even if we were perfect parents our children would still sin! You may actually be doing a great job with them despite what’s going on. I’ve watched tears stream down the faces of many weary parents while explaining to them that their child is responsible for their own sin. Yes, you’re responsible for sharing the gospel with your children and lovingly, consistently, and wisely attempting to train them up in the ways of the Lord. And yes, that’s serious business (Deuteronomy 11:18—21; Ephesians 6:1—4). And yes, you should take your own sins as a parent seriously. Even still, you are not responsible for your child’s sin. Take the prophet Samuel for example:

“When Samuel became old, he made his sons judges over Israel…. Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice” (1 Samuel 8:1—3).

Salvation is only by God’s grace and is not based upon whether or not you produce obedient, respectable children (Ephesians 2:8—9). Salvation is a matter of internal Spirit-wrought heart change. It doesn’t result from behavioral change, but instead promotes it. Yes, you must seek to raise righteous children who love God and his gospel, but bear in mind that it’s God who saves a child, not you or “good” parenting. Hopelessness will surely find you if you believe its all up to you. Instead, cling to the promise that, “what is impossible with man is possible with God” (Luke 18:27), and know that God uses faithful parents. Of course, this goes for parents too. Our parenting can never save us! Salvation is only by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone—and he will complete the good work he’s started in us (Philippians 1:6).

God Sees and Cares

When I first meet with parents, most are exhausted and feel a great deal of shame over their child’s behavior. It’s important they know that we do not serve a God who is distant, disinterested, or ignorant of our suffering (which is exactly what they are experiencing—very real suffering). It’s heartbreaking to watch a child who is enslaved to his or her sinful impulses and desires, especially when it’s your child. But God sees the backbreaking struggle it can be for us to reprove and correct an unrepentant, even “stiff-necked” child (Exodus 32:9; Acts 7:51; Psalm 103:14; Hebrews 4:15).

Don’t be slow to recall the cross that our Savior had to bear to bring us to peace with God. Faithful parenting is hard. Maintaining hope is a daily struggle. Love is very difficult work! If someone tells you these are easy they’re either lying, self-deceived, or simply negligent.

Perhaps you haven’t recognized your role as a parent to be one of making disciples for Christ—but it surely is. The amazing promise attached to the Great Commission is that when we are teaching others—including our children—to obey everything Christ has taught, he is with us always, even to the end of the age (Matthew 28:18—20), even in this.

God Is Loving You In This Struggle

It’s no secret that God knows our needs better than we do and sees things more clearly and righteously than we can (Psalm 23:1; Psalm 77:13). With all our limitations, few things are more hopeful than the promise that our current afflictions are “preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” Grasping this hope requires that we “look not to the [transient] things that are seen but to the [eternal] things that are unseen” (2 Corinthians 4:16—18).

Have you considered that your parenting struggles are evidence of God’s love for you? In fact, he’s so good he refuses to allow you to be satisfied with what is temporary—things like a comfortable or exciting family life, or praise and respect from others. If hearing that your child’s sin is not your fault brings rivers of tears, an ocean flows from knowing that your faithful and loving endurance means you’ll delight all the more in hearing on the last Day, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23).

Thankfully, selfless and sacrificial parenting will make you more like Christ. We may not always like how that feels, especially in the moment, but we must call it good. Our heavenly Father knows we need these sanctifying experiences and is parenting us well to provide them (Hebrews 12:3—12). Truly, “for those who love God all things work together for good” (Romans 8:28).

God Is Pleased With Your Ordinary Ministry

If we’re not living with God in the “ordinary” parts of life then we’re not living with God. Most of life is lived outside of the spectacular and that’s okay! Even our daily spiritual growth is characterized by God’s ordinary means of grace—prayer, studying Scripture, meeting with God’s church on the Lord’s day, sharing in Christian community, etc. Parenting is a beautiful, sometimes redundant ministry.

Though it may not always feel like the daily parenting grind is of much consequence, God has given it as a gift and grants it eternal significance. It’s kingdom work done for the King. We’re stewards of his creation, for his glory and our enjoyment—these kids ultimately belong to him. While the world may find that boring, burdensome, or bizarre, God has called it good, and so should we (Matthew 20:16). The Lord is pleased with “ordinary,” longsuffering parents.

Questions for Reflection

Have you sought to raise godly children or just well-behaved ones? Are you most interested in loving God and then loving your children as God loves you—or in things like comfort, respect, and admiration? How might you begin to think differently? What encouraging truths from Scripture could you more readily be calling to mind?

* This post was also featured on the blog for the Biblical Counseling Coalition on April 27, 2018. You can find that version by clicking here.

References

[1] Julie Lowe has written a very helpful article on parenting difficult children where she discusses these three aspects of godly parenting. [Lowe, Julie. “Parenting A Difficult Child.” Christian Counseling & Education Foundation. June 28, 2016. Accessed March 14, 2018. https://www.ccef.org/resources/blog/parenting-difficult-child]